Dear Bright Side,
When my daughter-in-law welcomed twins into the world last year, I felt an overwhelming joy. Becoming a grandmother was such a dream for me. I imagined spoiling my grandbabies with love, hearing their giggles, and spending weekends basking in the joy of family. But I didn’t imagine this: endless nights spent rocking babies, handling dirty diapers, and stepping in as “the free babysitter” multiple times a week.
Before long, though, it felt more like I was running a daycare than visiting my grandkids. No one ever checked to see if I was available. I’d walk in, and my daughter-in-law would say, “Here’s one baby, and the other is on the changing table. Can you take care of that?”
But I’m not a nanny! I’ve already raised my children. I didn’t expect to take on this role in my 60s. Every time I tried to set a boundary, she’d tell me, “You’re their grandma. This is what grandmas do.”
When I said I wasn’t comfortable with diaper duty and bedtime every night, my daughter-in-law got defensive. She asked, “So you don’t want to help?” I do want to help, but I also want to enjoy my retirement and have a life outside of babysitting. I want respect, not to feel like a servant.
The turning point came when a friend from my club pulled me aside and asked if I was really babysitting “every day for free.” She pointed out something that hadn’t even occurred to me until I saw it for myself: a post on Facebook. My daughter-in-law had shared a photo of me holding the twins, both of them sleeping peacefully in my arms. But I had somehow dozed off with a diaper on my shoulder. And the caption? “Here is my built-in free babysitter. This is the woman who makes weekend outings with my gals possible. Love you,” followed by poop and heart emojis.
After seeing that post, I finally sat down with my daughter-in-law and told her things had to change. “I love you and the twins. But I’m your mother-in-law, not your employee. I’m a grandma, not a free nanny.”
She was shocked. She said she thought I loved spending time with the babies and had always been so helpful. And I do love them. But I want to help on my terms, not out of guilt or obligation. I told her I’d still visit, but it had to be on my own schedule. I wouldn’t be changing diapers or staying overnight unless we agreed on it beforehand. She didn’t take it well. She called me “selfish and mean.” But I stood firm.
In fact, I decided to take the money I’d saved for the family and use it for a vacation instead. Now, I’m enjoying my time away. I haven’t replied to her texts asking for help. I’m loving the peace and solitude. But I can’t help but wonder — does this make me a bad mother-in-law or a bad grandmother?
Thanks for sharing with us. Here are some recommendations you may find helpful:
Set Clear Boundaries with Family — It’s important to communicate your limits kindly but firmly. Setting boundaries will help you maintain your sense of self and avoid burnout.
Prioritize Your Own Well-being First — You can’t pour from an empty cup. Make time for rest and activities that recharge you emotionally and physically.
Have Honest Conversations with Your Son — Share your feelings about the situation with him openly. He may not realize how much it’s affecting you.
Don’t Be Afraid to Say No — It’s okay to turn down requests when they’re too much. Respecting your time and energy is essential for maintaining a healthy relationship.
