We often give our families the benefit of the doubt, and help them when in need. Supporting your loved ones doesn’t seem like much of a hardship, until the script flips, and it turns into them taking advantage of you, financially. One Bright Side reader wrote to us, telling us about her dilemma, and asking for our opinion.
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Dear Bright Side,
Every summer, during our family trip, I always end up covering all the costs. This year, my mom called to discuss the trip and mentioned that my brother couldn’t chip in because they had spent their money on home renovations.
She claimed she couldn’t contribute much either because she had gotten some dental work done. No apologies, just the expectation that again, I would pitch in because I earned more, was unmarried, and had no responsibilities.
I was done. They had been taking financial advantage of me for too long. I bluntly told my mother that I wouldn’t be joining them this time, and they could count me and my money out.
There was silence from her end, a pause. And then she shocked me, saying, “Well, you may not want to come, but can you pay for the vacation?”
I snapped back, telling her, “I’m not your ATM to cover all costs every year.” She called me selfish, saying everything had already been planned and booked, and I should have told them earlier.
Then, my brother accused me of being unsupportive. Instead of being happy for them, he said I only cared about money. He said we were a family, and I was not being a good sister and daughter.
The next day, even my niece called, complaining to me that they’d already spent their money and couldn’t afford anything now. As an aunt, she expected me to help, like I always did. She asked me what was so different this time and finally cut the call in tears, claiming I ruined everything.
Was I wrong? I’m just tired of always being expected to pitch in financially. They don’t even thank me for it or ever think of paying me back. It’s like I always have to pay for the vacation.
Now no one wants to talk to me, and I feel guilty enough to give in, but something is holding me back.
Frustrated and angry,Janet
Dear Janet, thank you for sharing your story with us, and we applaud you for taking a stand for yourself. This is a difficult situation for you, and here’s how we think you can successfully manage it using 5 simple steps. Remember to use them anytime anyone asks for money from you, as they will help you set boundaries and stick to them.
They just thought of you as the rich aunt. You don't care because it's just money. They didn't earn and they didn't pay for. Like you didn't work hard to make a living just because you make good money. You need to plan your own vacation. Don't post it or tell anyone anything. Block them, trust peace of mind is glorious. Your mental health is worth it.
Instead of getting angry that your family is approaching you for help, thank them for thinking of you. Appreciate the bond that you share with them and the fact that they feel comfortable or close enough to come to you when in need. That said, this appreciation doesn’t mean that you can’t say no.
Experts say you shouldn’t lend money, only gift it. Expecting it back will only fray relations, so whatever you give, think of it as never coming back, and accordingly make your decision. Check if you can truly afford to lose this money, or if you’re simply diverting it away from other expenses or savings. Make your decision accordingly.
Just because you don’t want to pay for your family’s vacation doesn’t mean you can’t empathize with their situation. Your mother may not have a steady income, and with her dental work, she might actually have little money left for the vacation. Your brother also may have spent his money on much-needed home refurbishments, so clearly, he is not in a position to afford a vacation.
Empathize with them and explain your financial and mental situation to see if they too can extend the same understanding your way.
Remember that if you have been paying for everyone’s trip as a matter of habit, they are not entirely wrong in expecting the same from you this time as well. Did you try to wean them off your money before? Even if you didn’t, and this is the first time you are putting your foot down, have a sit-down with them to simply state no and give reasons succinctly to explain why you are breaking from habit.
Don’t let them “guilt” you into anything. Ultimately, you are not responsible for anyone’s vacation or even life, and your money is just that—yours!
The advice given to you by the writer of this article is a bunch of crock. You don't have to thank anyone coming to you trying to use you for vacation money. If they didn't have money, they shouldn't have planned a vacation expecting you to pay..these family members are leeches...stick to your gun, they will get over it, If they don't then you were just an ATM machine to them. Good for you for standing up to then...
Once you have said no to the money, as a gift or a loan, offer alternative help. Maybe you can use some flier miles to get their airfare discounted. Or perhaps you have some hotel vouchers that could get them a free stay. Get creative with help to show them that while you can’t aid them financially, you’d be happy to help in other ways.
Your family may approach you again for financial help, especially if they aren’t able to make any alternative arrangements as the time comes closer. Remember to stay firm and state that you have changed your rules about giving money or helping them out. You don’t need to offer excuses; just a simple no and a sorry after is enough.
Sooner or later, they will stop approaching you for money, as long as you stay firm.
These simple principles can help you avoid giving money not just now, but in any situation. If you too are interested in knowing more about saving money, here’s an article on just that.
